Are you familiar with the saying, “What others think of you is none of your business?” For a multitude of reasons, it may not be in our best interests to know what others think of us. Within the sanctity of our own headspace, we allow ourselves freedoms that we would not dream of exerting with any spoken word. Locked inside the boundary of our own heads, our thoughts are silent, like words whispered underwater. From that quiet, we pick and choose those words that we desire to voice. Mostly we select the choicest blooms, the words that are vibrant and fragrant, leaving behind wilted ideas and words designed to wither and harm. Some thoughts, if shared, are hurtful. Even beloved individuals occasionally occupy the “naughty list” portion of our brains! We cannot always align with the words or actions of another person but we can “pick our battles” and choose to remain silent, to hold our opinions within like birds burrowed secure in their nest.
Taken as a whole, I agree with this sentiment. However, I also recognize our need for approval, to know that we are accepted and valued. We each desire honest and sincere recognition, without judgement, of who we are. Sometimes those closest to us offer us that. They show us a snippet, a cutting room floor glance, into how we are seen, and our perceived place in this world. Once in a while those closest to us offer their perception of us.
Perceptions are uniquely ours, determined by remnants of each of our life experiences, our morals and values, our biases and opinions. My perceptions are as unique to me as my fingerprints are. As a snowflake is unique within the flurry of the winter storm. What’s more, our perceptions color how we view the world. Picture this: Between you and I there hangs a veil, gauzy and translucent. Envision it as a sheer white curtain that billows while hanging before an open window. This veil is your perception. Through it flows every interaction that you experience with another person. Each experience is then colored and altered as it journeys through your individual perception processes. We each have a unique way of being within this world, our experiences combine to make us who we are, and our awareness of people and events are distorted by these experiences, by our perception of them.
For example, perhaps you were involved in a catastrophic car accident. Now a sudden car braking sets your heart pounding whereas the same experience affects me not at all. While I, who held a cherished pup as he went to sleep, become weepy when I see senior dogs. You however, delight in their grey chins. If your experience tells you that x trait makes y person a “cranky-pants human,” who am I to say that you are wrong? Your veil of perception, your inner intelligence, dictates that this is your understanding of y as a person. As a result, I think it is significant when I am given a glimpse into how someone else sees me, when someone shows me a glimmer of who they believe that I am.
I would like to share an example. My mom and stepdad have a summer place in Placentia Bay. They spends their days and nights encapsulated by quivering blue sky, evergreens and the lap of the ocean. Bald eagles habituate the beach below them; tuna have broken the waters in front of them. Peace and gratitude swell my heart when I spend time with them there. My mantra becomes a habitual, “Life Is Good.”
They are also blessed to be surrounded by my stepbrothers during their summers here as this is their family land. They are wonderful men, each of them kind and giving and thoughtful over our shared parents. One of these lovely men does not exactly share my “heart on sleeve” approach to mother nature, however. He appreciates it but hesitates NOT to remove it, if it poses any sort of risk to his property. Hence the war on squirrels. I tend to be of the mind that if a squirrel, rat, weasel enters our cabin, we will then deal with it. This is not the universal approach, I have learned. Sadly, many feel that the most prudent course is to obliterate all traces of the squirrel population from the surrounding premises in case they may possibly find a way into the dwelling. Such is the mindset of my much-loved stepbrother. I do not hold it against him.
We were visiting my sweet mom and stepdad on their land recently. I love how excited my mom is each time that we arrive. She marches to our vehicle, smile wide and arms stretched wider, an air of expectancy all around her. She simply cannot wait to lay hands on me. It fills my heart and makes me laugh. Such is joy and joy is contagious.
My stepbrother had graciously readied his camper for husband and I to stay in. Mom related his endeavors on my behalf: clean sheets, swept through, windows opened to air it out (I told you. He’s a sweetie). She ended her recital with, “He found a bee in here. He killed it. He is some lucky you weren’t here.”
Remember what I said about perception? This simple statement said reams about my mom’s perception of me. Initially, I was surprised. The undertone was that I would take some sort of action, somehow take a tongue to my stepbrother. Would I? Mom obviously thought that I would. Or perhaps she simply meant that I would be dismayed by the killing of a bee, the statement more in reference to my feelings than to some action I may have taken. Mom also believes, based on this statement, that bees are important to me. That I would not support killing a bee. She is right. Catch and release is my motto, for the largest and the smallest. Ahimsa all the way. Do no harm.
In essence, here is what I perceive to be Mom’s perception of me. (Yikes! Are you following?) To my mom, and essentially, to most of my family, I am a little different. An old soul, tree hugger with a quick mouth and an intelligence to match. I suffer no fools yet have the softness required to appreciate the life of the wee bee. Is her perception similar to how I see myself? Comparable but not identical, it is a fraternal twin to my sense of self. Yet understand too, that her perception is being interpreted by my perception, her veil distorting my veil. Two mirrors that face each other and create image after image after image, ad infinitum.
Why is this important? It’s about validation. In a world that schools us to “not worry what others think,” I believe that it is still important to be recognized as genuine and worthwhile in the eyes of those we love. While we need not know another’s every thought on who we are, when HOW we see ourselves is matched by a loved one’s perception, it validates that we are walking our walk, we are acting in accordance to our truth, living our best life, and being true to ourselves.
When others see us as WE see us, as we hope to be, then we know that we are on the right path. We receive a stamp of authenticity. Aligned to our place in this universe, this great tumbling star alight in the darkness, all is right in our world. For me, that is a joy making moment.
When my mom made that very simple statement, she supported who I am in this world. She saw ME. And being seen, truly seen, is a gift beyond measure.
Cue a favorite line from a favorite guy. Shakespeare wrote: “And this above all, to thine own self be true. Thou canst then be false to any man.”